![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kodalaiSorry I've been quiet. It was one of those "don't want to update until I have time to talk about a whole long entry" delays that seems self-perpetuating.
So I've been thinking a lot of things, some of them good, some of them not. My thoughts have been oscillating between unwavering self-confidence and self-esteem crushing terror. One moment I think "Man, I can totally do this!" and the next I just want to collapse in a terrified heap.
The Austin vs. LA debate continues unresolved. I'd really rather go to L.A. It's where I'm eventually going to end up, if things pan out the way I hope; now that I finally have a goal in mind, I'm frustrated by the idea of imposing another major city move in my path. I'm getting really tired of having to pack up and move every year, and I have too much stuff now for it to all fit in my little 2001 Honda (more on that frustration later.) The more I think about the time I spent in LA, in college, the more I remember how happy I was there: I want to go back. I want to finish what I started.
This "I want to write for Hollywood" thing may seem like it came out of nowhere to most of you. The truth is that it wasn't. I was thinking along these lines as far back as when I was first choosing undergrad colleges at age 18: I looked almost exclusively at colleges in Los Angeles because I hoped that proximity would help me break into Hollywood, somehow. I guess the problem is that I'm actually surprisingly reluctant to talk to people about the things that are most important to me. Back then I couldn't really think of how to get what I wanted (even to the extent of, say, researching film schools or even talking to my career services advisors about it!) but I'm determined to try now.
I want to go back to LA, but I'm afraid -- not that I won't get into school, or won't make it in the industry. I'm pretty sure that I can. Is it weird that I've largely been avoiding magazines offering 8 great tips for "How to make it in Hollywood!" or reading stories about the terrors and daily frustrated struggles of people trying to make it? I feel like they won't do me any good. I know I can do it. People, real grown-up people, have told me that my writing is good enough, and I believe in that. Aside from that, it's just a matter of continuing to try until the right opportunity clicks. But that's all way off; that's not what's got me seizing in panic. I'm afraid of being unemployed.
This is where most of my bipolar feelings are coming from. Most of my soon-to-be-ex coworkers seem to be picking up new jobs quite easily (if their "So long, suckers!" emails are any indication.) I know I'm in a better position now than I was when I started this job: I have a nice solid employment history, with references that don't speak only Japanese and a nice impressive title to attach, and all sorts of cute-sounding skills to put on a resume. But then I hear horror stories of people being stranded in the unemployment ghetto for months or years at a time and I'm paralyzed with panic again. Because the worst situation I could put myself in is to blow all my savings moving to LA (because it WILL blow all my savings, wherever I go) and then not be able to get a job there. And be stuck there, burning away the last of my savings and not even being able to afford to move somewhere else. Can you even get unemployment benefits in a state you don't have residency in?
Realistically, I can't even start looking for a job in a city I'm not in, at least not until I'm closer to the deadline. I can't afford to plane-hop down to LA to do interviews. Same goes for housing; most people who rent out apartments don't even want to talk to you unless you're ready to move in on the first of next month at the very latest. The time window between when this job ends and when my lease expires and I have to be gone from here is a very crunchy one. I can't afford to rent a U-haul truck for a single day longer than I absolutely have to. Essentially I'm in a period of enforced waiting until the clock ticks over into July, at which point I will need to make a lot of frantic last-minute preparations and a flying leap into the unknown.
I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions.
Not of failing. Is that an odd distinction to draw? I guess it's because I usually succeed in what I've chosen to do, at least so far in life. But I haven't always chosen the right things. I'm afraid of ending up in a bad situation and having nobody to blame but my own stupidity.
So I've been thinking a lot of things, some of them good, some of them not. My thoughts have been oscillating between unwavering self-confidence and self-esteem crushing terror. One moment I think "Man, I can totally do this!" and the next I just want to collapse in a terrified heap.
The Austin vs. LA debate continues unresolved. I'd really rather go to L.A. It's where I'm eventually going to end up, if things pan out the way I hope; now that I finally have a goal in mind, I'm frustrated by the idea of imposing another major city move in my path. I'm getting really tired of having to pack up and move every year, and I have too much stuff now for it to all fit in my little 2001 Honda (more on that frustration later.) The more I think about the time I spent in LA, in college, the more I remember how happy I was there: I want to go back. I want to finish what I started.
This "I want to write for Hollywood" thing may seem like it came out of nowhere to most of you. The truth is that it wasn't. I was thinking along these lines as far back as when I was first choosing undergrad colleges at age 18: I looked almost exclusively at colleges in Los Angeles because I hoped that proximity would help me break into Hollywood, somehow. I guess the problem is that I'm actually surprisingly reluctant to talk to people about the things that are most important to me. Back then I couldn't really think of how to get what I wanted (even to the extent of, say, researching film schools or even talking to my career services advisors about it!) but I'm determined to try now.
I want to go back to LA, but I'm afraid -- not that I won't get into school, or won't make it in the industry. I'm pretty sure that I can. Is it weird that I've largely been avoiding magazines offering 8 great tips for "How to make it in Hollywood!" or reading stories about the terrors and daily frustrated struggles of people trying to make it? I feel like they won't do me any good. I know I can do it. People, real grown-up people, have told me that my writing is good enough, and I believe in that. Aside from that, it's just a matter of continuing to try until the right opportunity clicks. But that's all way off; that's not what's got me seizing in panic. I'm afraid of being unemployed.
This is where most of my bipolar feelings are coming from. Most of my soon-to-be-ex coworkers seem to be picking up new jobs quite easily (if their "So long, suckers!" emails are any indication.) I know I'm in a better position now than I was when I started this job: I have a nice solid employment history, with references that don't speak only Japanese and a nice impressive title to attach, and all sorts of cute-sounding skills to put on a resume. But then I hear horror stories of people being stranded in the unemployment ghetto for months or years at a time and I'm paralyzed with panic again. Because the worst situation I could put myself in is to blow all my savings moving to LA (because it WILL blow all my savings, wherever I go) and then not be able to get a job there. And be stuck there, burning away the last of my savings and not even being able to afford to move somewhere else. Can you even get unemployment benefits in a state you don't have residency in?
Realistically, I can't even start looking for a job in a city I'm not in, at least not until I'm closer to the deadline. I can't afford to plane-hop down to LA to do interviews. Same goes for housing; most people who rent out apartments don't even want to talk to you unless you're ready to move in on the first of next month at the very latest. The time window between when this job ends and when my lease expires and I have to be gone from here is a very crunchy one. I can't afford to rent a U-haul truck for a single day longer than I absolutely have to. Essentially I'm in a period of enforced waiting until the clock ticks over into July, at which point I will need to make a lot of frantic last-minute preparations and a flying leap into the unknown.
I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions.
Not of failing. Is that an odd distinction to draw? I guess it's because I usually succeed in what I've chosen to do, at least so far in life. But I haven't always chosen the right things. I'm afraid of ending up in a bad situation and having nobody to blame but my own stupidity.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 06:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 10:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-19 03:26 am (UTC)If you had a more sound plan to move to LA, I think you'd feel more confident about the move. Don't be afraid to rely on your friends in the area. People care and would be willing to give you a leg up and a stable life if you asked. I know you can be a proud person, but your friends want to help you.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-20 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-20 03:40 pm (UTC)As for money, as long as you have a job, you can always get more. That's something I've learned about it.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-20 05:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-22 11:50 pm (UTC)I still have books that I need to send you. I'm moved now so that package should go out any day now. ^_^