book-a-minute
Apr. 4th, 2004 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kodalaiThe Dark Elf Trilogy by R.A. Salvatore
Homeland
Salvatore: Welcome to the big cave of the Drow, who are evil and corrupt and nasty. It's also run by women, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with it being evil and corrupt. I do not have woman issues.
Mother: You sexy man, come here and get wild.
Father: No. I hate you. Besides, I'm surprisingly moral.
Mother: Alternatively, I could carve out your heart on an altar and sacrifice it to our spider goddess.
Father: On second thought, have I ever told you how stunning you look by absolute darkness?
Mother: Now I'm pregnant. If it's a girl, I'll revere and cherish it and sacrifice it on the altar. If it's a boy, it's beneath my notice to even kill it.
Salvatore: I still don't have woman issues.
Hero: Big sister, what does "dysfunctional" mean?
Sister: It means clean the floor or I'll whip you to death. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be nice.
Mother: No you're not! *kills*
Hero: Well, I'm certainly not emotionally scarred by this. As a matter of fact, despite the lack of positive role models, I'm turning out to be surprisingly moral.
Mother: Something obviously must be done about this. Let's send him to kill some elves.
(They do. He doesn't.)
Father: Well, I guess my son turned out to be as surprisingly moral as I am, so let's join together and swear a pact of eternal solidarity.
Mother: Ha ha. Get on the altar, boyo.
Father: Yes'm.
Hero: You killed my father! That does it, I'm running away from home.
Mother: Great. Now there's nobody left to have sex with except my daughters.
Salvatore: Bite my crank.
Exile
Hero: Boy, it sure is lonely around here with only rocks to eat.
Gnomes: Ho ho ho! We're the friendly cheerful mining peoples who run and fear from you evil drow! On second thought, since we can see by your unusual coloring that you are a surprisingly moral drow, let's adopt you and teach you our ways!
Hero: On second thought, the rocks aren't that bad.
Zombie: Rar.
Hero: Oh my god! My father, whom I thought was dead, surprisingly is trying to kill me!
Zombie: Son, you know that eternal solidarity thing we swore? Well, eternity sucks a lot more than I thought it did.
Hero: As I am a loyal son, there is nothing to do but kill you.
(He does.)
Hero: Gee, it looks like my mother is trying to kill me. Guess there's nothing to do but run away to the surface, despite the fact that everyone there will hate me and the harsh conditions will probably kill me.
Gnomes: You could always come to live with us! We'll feed you and pet you and sing lots of happy songs!
Hero: Surface it is then.
Soujourn
Salvatore: Right, now that I'm back in the comfortable D&D world, things can get a lot lamer.
Hero: Gee, I sure hope that here on the surface I can find other beings that are as surprisingly moral as me.
(He finds some. They scream in horror and run away.)
Hero: Well, shit. Guess I'm doomed to a life of eternal loneliness.
(Lots of people try to kill him because he is a DROW, but because he is SURPRISINGLY MORAL, he does not kill them in return. As a result, his life sucks.)
Elf lady: Don't give up! I'm sure you can find someone who can love you despite the color of your skin!
Hero: Like you?
Elf lady: Someone besides me! Bye now!
Hero: Great. Nothing left to do but join a party of lame D&D characters.
(He does. They have lots of adventures, and it is LAME.)
MUCH SHORTER VERSION:
Drizzt: Despite my cursed black skin, I am a paragon of virtue. I go through an amazing amount of shit because of this, but I must suck it up because I am stoic. Plus I have a name that sounds like somebody hacking up a looger.
Homeland
Salvatore: Welcome to the big cave of the Drow, who are evil and corrupt and nasty. It's also run by women, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with it being evil and corrupt. I do not have woman issues.
Mother: You sexy man, come here and get wild.
Father: No. I hate you. Besides, I'm surprisingly moral.
Mother: Alternatively, I could carve out your heart on an altar and sacrifice it to our spider goddess.
Father: On second thought, have I ever told you how stunning you look by absolute darkness?
Mother: Now I'm pregnant. If it's a girl, I'll revere and cherish it and sacrifice it on the altar. If it's a boy, it's beneath my notice to even kill it.
Salvatore: I still don't have woman issues.
Hero: Big sister, what does "dysfunctional" mean?
Sister: It means clean the floor or I'll whip you to death. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be nice.
Mother: No you're not! *kills*
Hero: Well, I'm certainly not emotionally scarred by this. As a matter of fact, despite the lack of positive role models, I'm turning out to be surprisingly moral.
Mother: Something obviously must be done about this. Let's send him to kill some elves.
(They do. He doesn't.)
Father: Well, I guess my son turned out to be as surprisingly moral as I am, so let's join together and swear a pact of eternal solidarity.
Mother: Ha ha. Get on the altar, boyo.
Father: Yes'm.
Hero: You killed my father! That does it, I'm running away from home.
Mother: Great. Now there's nobody left to have sex with except my daughters.
Salvatore: Bite my crank.
Exile
Hero: Boy, it sure is lonely around here with only rocks to eat.
Gnomes: Ho ho ho! We're the friendly cheerful mining peoples who run and fear from you evil drow! On second thought, since we can see by your unusual coloring that you are a surprisingly moral drow, let's adopt you and teach you our ways!
Hero: On second thought, the rocks aren't that bad.
Zombie: Rar.
Hero: Oh my god! My father, whom I thought was dead, surprisingly is trying to kill me!
Zombie: Son, you know that eternal solidarity thing we swore? Well, eternity sucks a lot more than I thought it did.
Hero: As I am a loyal son, there is nothing to do but kill you.
(He does.)
Hero: Gee, it looks like my mother is trying to kill me. Guess there's nothing to do but run away to the surface, despite the fact that everyone there will hate me and the harsh conditions will probably kill me.
Gnomes: You could always come to live with us! We'll feed you and pet you and sing lots of happy songs!
Hero: Surface it is then.
Soujourn
Salvatore: Right, now that I'm back in the comfortable D&D world, things can get a lot lamer.
Hero: Gee, I sure hope that here on the surface I can find other beings that are as surprisingly moral as me.
(He finds some. They scream in horror and run away.)
Hero: Well, shit. Guess I'm doomed to a life of eternal loneliness.
(Lots of people try to kill him because he is a DROW, but because he is SURPRISINGLY MORAL, he does not kill them in return. As a result, his life sucks.)
Elf lady: Don't give up! I'm sure you can find someone who can love you despite the color of your skin!
Hero: Like you?
Elf lady: Someone besides me! Bye now!
Hero: Great. Nothing left to do but join a party of lame D&D characters.
(He does. They have lots of adventures, and it is LAME.)
MUCH SHORTER VERSION:
Drizzt: Despite my cursed black skin, I am a paragon of virtue. I go through an amazing amount of shit because of this, but I must suck it up because I am stoic. Plus I have a name that sounds like somebody hacking up a looger.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-05 02:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-05 08:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-05 09:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-05 09:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-05 07:12 am (UTC)....
*agrees mightily*
^^;
no subject
Date: 2004-04-05 09:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-05 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-06 11:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-06 09:46 am (UTC)Run something like:
Salvatore: I'm going to kill someone off to make for more tension. Bah! I forgot I needed them. I'll just bring them back to life.
Audience: We'll let you get away with it this time, but just don't do it again!
Salvatore: I'm going to kill someone off to make for more tension. Bah! I forgot I needed them. I'll just bring them back to life.
Audience: We'll let you get away with it this time, but just don't do it again!
Salvatore: I'm going to kill someone off to make for more tension. Bah! I forgot I needed them. I'll just bring them back to life.
Audience: We'll let you get away with it this time, but just don't do it again!
Editors: Salvatore, write something good or we'll fire you!
Salvatore: But they're selling since fantasy readers will pick up anything.
Editors: Money, money, money! ::turn into money zombies, or maybe just sink deeper into sin::
Charactes in book: Hey! What about us!
Audience: ::gives up and watches LOTR again::
no subject
Date: 2004-04-06 11:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 09:45 am (UTC)He was a guest at a con in Boston, years ago. Guest of Honor and he shows for a couple of hours on Saturday for a 3 day con because his wife wants him to run about to the kids' hockey practice, music lessons and anything else that she needed/wanted him to do.
The head of programming was sooo pissed.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 04:57 pm (UTC)That explains so much.
>_>
Okay, I'm not being entirely fair. I'm pretty sure that Salvatore didn't come up with the entire Drow Matriarchy thing all on his own -- given the 'world' he was writing in, a lot of it was probably already established. But he certainly expanded and solidified it.