Shelob VSD
Jan. 7th, 2004 03:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kodalaiWell, since Cassie Claire appears to no longer be doing the Very Secret Diaries, I thought I'd take a stab. Or a sting. Whichever.
Day 1: Have found v. nice flat out in the Mountains of Mordor. Ad promises 24 bedrooms, good view, nice atmosphere. Will go and give it a look-see.
Day 3: Flat seems nice enough, a bit of a fixer-upper perhaps. Seems to be unfurnished, will have to provide own orc corpses.
Day 5: Moved in. Finally, some peace and quiet! No more nosy neighbors! Nag, nag, all the time "Shelob, when are you going to settle down, find a nice man and not eat him, raise your hordes of children?" Plus keep getting on my case about waxing hairy legs and going on diet. Phooey on them.
Day 20: It appears that the neighbors were not actually dead, but merely away having a bit of a war. Have set up bloody huge tower right under my bedroom. Horrible racket. V. bitter.
Day 21: Worked out a bit of a temper going out and eating all the pesky men. Have dragged their dry husks back into the den. Nice to have something to brighten the place up a bit.
Day 25: Am resigned to presence of tower. At the least I am assured of always having good take-out in the area. Men of Gondor v. juicy and tender.
Day 150,542: Went out to grab a bite after a nice year-long snooze only to find that those nice young Men have been driven out of the tower and replaced by wicked orcs. V. upset by this development as orcs give me the runs something terrible.
Day 150,543: Seems Sauron is back in the area. Does he write, does he call? Noo. Too busy conquering Osgiliath. Well, let him. Have plenty of eyes of my own, last thing I need is another.
Day 174,345: Cave becoming v. cluttered with orc corpses. May be time for a spring cleaning, except that has not been Spring in this area for five hundred years.
Day 174,346: Received subscription of Cave and Lair magazine. This Martha Stewart seems to have some good decorating tips for web and orc husk.
Day 174,347: Success! Cave has not looked so good since Second Age. Must find someone to invite in to tea to have a look.
Day 174,348: No takers yet.
Day 174,349: Still no-one has come around for tea. V. bitter. Just because I'm covered with hideous black slime, hairy legs and bulbuous eyes, nobody wants to come to my parties. It's quite unfair.
Day 174,350: For a change of pace, captured a few orcs alive and brought them back to view the flat. They did not seem impressed.
Day 174,351: Was forced to eat orcs. Now have indigestion something fierce.
V. bad mood.
Day 174,362: New visitor today. Seems a bit of a cross between goblin and rat. Good conversationalist, though. Have invited him back into parlor.
Same day, later: Seems his name is Gollum. Am quite taken with him. Finally, someone to see past the hairy legs and cluster eyes.
Same day, that night: Gollum says he knows the perfect remedy for orc-induced indigestion. Something called Bagginses. Must be a brand name, don't recognize it. Will consult Martha Stewart on the matter.
Offered Gollum to stay the night but he seemed in a bit of a hurry. Offered to rush out and get Bagginses for me right away. Very sweet of him.
Day 174,364: No Gollum today. Puttered around the cave a bit. Martha recommends bird husks as an accent to orc husks. Nice effect.
Day 174,365: Still no Gollum. Suspect he may have run off. Males, so useless.
Ate another Orc out of spite but was not good for indigestion.
Day 174,366:Apparently Bagginses is brand name for hobbit. Wonder if can be found in Minas Morgul local Uruk-mart.
Day 174,368: Gollum returned. Seemes quite apologetic but I was not to let him off the hook so easy. Claims to have brought Bagginses with him. Will go and investigate.
Later...
Those eyes! That hair! Forget Gollum, it is hobbits all the way for me now! Must have a taste. Have not seen quite so adorable a gnome since Minas Ithil, despite an outer coating of grime. I am dazzled!
Of course, that might just be the elf-light he was carrying around with him. Irritating thing, does not match my decor at all.
Have made up guest room. Now to proposition pretty little hobbit.
Later...
Well, that did not go as expected.
Managed to catch up with the hobbit out on the veranda. He made a mess of my orc skull arrangement on the way out, but I forgive him. Adorable screams and struggles were quite worth it.
Gave him love tap on the stomach, which seemed to persuade him to come along. Was just trussing him up for a night of fun and kinky bondage when disaster occured.
Pudgy hobbit with cooking gear showed up. Wonder how he stays so pudgy with absolutely nothing around to eat but rocks. Seemed most displeased with my interest on cute blue-eyed hobbit, and thrust a foot-long sword in my vitals.
On the up side, haven't felt so satisfied since I killed and ate my last mate.
Thoughts?
Day 1: Have found v. nice flat out in the Mountains of Mordor. Ad promises 24 bedrooms, good view, nice atmosphere. Will go and give it a look-see.
Day 3: Flat seems nice enough, a bit of a fixer-upper perhaps. Seems to be unfurnished, will have to provide own orc corpses.
Day 5: Moved in. Finally, some peace and quiet! No more nosy neighbors! Nag, nag, all the time "Shelob, when are you going to settle down, find a nice man and not eat him, raise your hordes of children?" Plus keep getting on my case about waxing hairy legs and going on diet. Phooey on them.
Day 20: It appears that the neighbors were not actually dead, but merely away having a bit of a war. Have set up bloody huge tower right under my bedroom. Horrible racket. V. bitter.
Day 21: Worked out a bit of a temper going out and eating all the pesky men. Have dragged their dry husks back into the den. Nice to have something to brighten the place up a bit.
Day 25: Am resigned to presence of tower. At the least I am assured of always having good take-out in the area. Men of Gondor v. juicy and tender.
Day 150,542: Went out to grab a bite after a nice year-long snooze only to find that those nice young Men have been driven out of the tower and replaced by wicked orcs. V. upset by this development as orcs give me the runs something terrible.
Day 150,543: Seems Sauron is back in the area. Does he write, does he call? Noo. Too busy conquering Osgiliath. Well, let him. Have plenty of eyes of my own, last thing I need is another.
Day 174,345: Cave becoming v. cluttered with orc corpses. May be time for a spring cleaning, except that has not been Spring in this area for five hundred years.
Day 174,346: Received subscription of Cave and Lair magazine. This Martha Stewart seems to have some good decorating tips for web and orc husk.
Day 174,347: Success! Cave has not looked so good since Second Age. Must find someone to invite in to tea to have a look.
Day 174,348: No takers yet.
Day 174,349: Still no-one has come around for tea. V. bitter. Just because I'm covered with hideous black slime, hairy legs and bulbuous eyes, nobody wants to come to my parties. It's quite unfair.
Day 174,350: For a change of pace, captured a few orcs alive and brought them back to view the flat. They did not seem impressed.
Day 174,351: Was forced to eat orcs. Now have indigestion something fierce.
V. bad mood.
Day 174,362: New visitor today. Seems a bit of a cross between goblin and rat. Good conversationalist, though. Have invited him back into parlor.
Same day, later: Seems his name is Gollum. Am quite taken with him. Finally, someone to see past the hairy legs and cluster eyes.
Same day, that night: Gollum says he knows the perfect remedy for orc-induced indigestion. Something called Bagginses. Must be a brand name, don't recognize it. Will consult Martha Stewart on the matter.
Offered Gollum to stay the night but he seemed in a bit of a hurry. Offered to rush out and get Bagginses for me right away. Very sweet of him.
Day 174,364: No Gollum today. Puttered around the cave a bit. Martha recommends bird husks as an accent to orc husks. Nice effect.
Day 174,365: Still no Gollum. Suspect he may have run off. Males, so useless.
Ate another Orc out of spite but was not good for indigestion.
Day 174,366:Apparently Bagginses is brand name for hobbit. Wonder if can be found in Minas Morgul local Uruk-mart.
Day 174,368: Gollum returned. Seemes quite apologetic but I was not to let him off the hook so easy. Claims to have brought Bagginses with him. Will go and investigate.
Later...
Those eyes! That hair! Forget Gollum, it is hobbits all the way for me now! Must have a taste. Have not seen quite so adorable a gnome since Minas Ithil, despite an outer coating of grime. I am dazzled!
Of course, that might just be the elf-light he was carrying around with him. Irritating thing, does not match my decor at all.
Have made up guest room. Now to proposition pretty little hobbit.
Later...
Well, that did not go as expected.
Managed to catch up with the hobbit out on the veranda. He made a mess of my orc skull arrangement on the way out, but I forgive him. Adorable screams and struggles were quite worth it.
Gave him love tap on the stomach, which seemed to persuade him to come along. Was just trussing him up for a night of fun and kinky bondage when disaster occured.
Pudgy hobbit with cooking gear showed up. Wonder how he stays so pudgy with absolutely nothing around to eat but rocks. Seemed most displeased with my interest on cute blue-eyed hobbit, and thrust a foot-long sword in my vitals.
On the up side, haven't felt so satisfied since I killed and ate my last mate.
Thoughts?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 01:13 am (UTC)*tries to keep quiet so as not to wake parents*
*implodes*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 01:18 am (UTC)Oh hell, people are looking at me strangely now!
Very funny!
I can just see Shelob with her own interior design show now!!!
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 01:40 am (UTC)*megagigglesnarf*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 01:46 am (UTC)BWAHAHA! XD XD XD
My only suggestion would be to change man to mate in "...find a nice man and not eat him, raise your hordes of children?" or even add a bit about her children running wild in Mirkwood at the end of that. :p
And second to last sentance. on=in?
p.s. "Men of Gondor v. juicy and tender." Gave me the dirtiest thoughts. Shame on me.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:06 am (UTC)But they ARE!
*not-so-subtly throws another link at you* (http://ubiquitously.gr33nsl33v3s.com/sots/)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:13 pm (UTC)*screams and claws eyes out*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:29 pm (UTC)Oof!
...the site looks so lonely, it needs submissions... O_O
*screams and points accusingly*
You are a villain!
[omg so doomed. who am i kidding. I drew something last night, and I'm already writing.]
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 11:35 pm (UTC)*preens*
Give into the
Ringslash, precious... you cannot escape your fate.(and I want to see what you drew... *_*)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 03:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 08:12 am (UTC)Hee! Me, too! *snicker*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:18 pm (UTC)You are right about the on=>in. -_-;
p.s. "Men of Gondor v. juicy and tender." Gave me the dirtiest thoughts. Shame on me.
*looks at icon*
Yes, shame on you! Shame! :p
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:30 pm (UTC)...will finish your smutastic piccie sometime soon too. *snuggle*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:48 pm (UTC)They never write, they never call... they don't even bother sending thank-you notes for their birthday gifts...
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:52 pm (UTC)is that meant to be a hint?
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 03:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-08 11:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 05:14 am (UTC)XD XD XD. Sooo funny. I totally understand her suffering ;__;
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 08:38 am (UTC)Have plenty of eyes of my own, last thing I need is another
*snickersnort*
Was just trussing him up for a night of fun and kinky bondage when disaster occured.
Bwahahaha!
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 02:16 pm (UTC)Bwahahaha!
You know that was what she was planning!
Please take note that Sam did not bother to untie Frodo. >_>
no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 08:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-07 08:00 pm (UTC)