Can I get federal funding, too?

[kodalai]

From the same offices that brought you Abstinence-Only sex education, the program aimed at teaching young men and women that the only good method of birth control is complete abstinence, comes another brilliant education technique: Amenorrhea-only feminine health education.

Aimed at young women just entering their puberty stage of life, this program is dedicated to promoting amenorrhea as the best form of feminine hygiene, and emphasizing the risks and failure rates of other, less reliable methods.

An excerpt from a popular Amenorrhea-Only health education pamphlet reads as follows:

Other, questionable methods of feminine hygiene are well established in popular consciousness: the sanitary pad or 'maxi,' the tampon, and even chemical methods such as the birth control pills. However, what the advertisers who target the audience of young women don't want to make widely known is the risks and failure rates associated with these methods. Sanitary pads, contrary to their name, are not sanitary at all, but violently messy and cumbersome. Tampons, while seeming on the surface to preserve a decent appearance of hygiene, are even worse, carrying germs in and out of the body and carrying a high risk of Tampon Shock Syndrome (TSS.) Unless positioned perfectly and used exactly right every time, these devices can carry the risk of damaging a woman's fertility. And let's not even get into the evils of birth control pills!

In addition, women and girls who use these methods universally complain about cramps, dizziness, and mood swings that accompany their periods, sometimes severe. Clearly they are not doing their job.

Fortunately, there is an alternative. What better way is there to control the hygiene problems of menses than by not having menses at all? Young women are better off not having to deal with the difficulties, assorted aches and pains and messiness of the condition at all, until such time as they are happily established in permanent relationships and trying to start their own families. Until that time, they are better off not experiencing menses -- a condition known as Amenorrhea.

The word 'amenorrhea' simply means 'no menses,' a medical condition that young women can induce in themselves by means of a rigorous exercise program combined with a specifically proscribed diet.

"It's just the best way on so many levels," amenorrhea-only health spokesperson Angie Herth says. "There are no toxic substances, no foreign chemicals, no devices that need to be inserted into the female body. It's simply a regimen of diet and exercise, something that our young people need more of anyway, accompanied by a healthy measure of self-discipline. Young women who practice this strict weight-control regiment report themselves on average as 30% more self-confident, happier with themselves and their own appearance, and popular with their peers than their non-regimen classmates.

"These girls are cleaner, thinner, and happier than all the rest. The benefits are obvious."

Some health experts are doubtful on the long-term effects of amenorrhea, a condition associated in old-fashioned medicine with eating disorders and other diseases, but Ms. Herth maintains that no statistics that prove there is any danger.

"Many famous female athletes are amenorrheic," she adds. "These women are real role-models to the young ladies. Their bodies are ones that the girls can really look up to and admire."

Although amenorrhea-only health education remains on the fringes of popular culture, mainstream awareness of this alternate education philosophy is slowly spreading. More and more high schools in the private sector are announcing institution of amenorrhea-only programs in the year 2004, and federal spending for this program has increased by $25,000 in 2005.

Comments

[okaasan59.livejournal.com]

This is a joke, right? *_*

[windandwater.livejournal.com]

Jesus Christ. You know who else doesn't get periods? Anorexics. Let's encourage that among young women more, too!

[kodalai.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[kodalai.livejournal.com]

That's just anti-amenorrhea propaganda. *dismisses*

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Y'know, it'd be funnier if it weren't something that I could see our current administration promoting.

*sigh*

[kodalai.livejournal.com]

You'll note my mood didn't read 'amused.'

[stardustmajick.livejournal.com]

They say tampons can cause infertility but I'll be damned if the idea of stopping periods doesn't scream "danger! danger!" about the whole eventually wanting babies thing.

[windandwater.livejournal.com]

*puts on a tinfoil hat*

And I thought that Seasonel stuff that makes you have only 4 periods a year was extreme.

[diatomacearth.livejournal.com]

You know, you can get paid for writing satire this good.

[zalia.livejournal.com]

In addition, women and girls who use these methods universally complain about cramps, dizziness, and mood swings that accompany their periods, sometimes severe. Clearly they are not doing their job.

Damn, I knew that something must not be doing its job!

It's kinda' sad to think that I actually had toy plausible that people will promote this. *sigh*

[kodalai.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I only wish.

[okaasan59.livejournal.com]

Sorry, you scared me. An administration that will blindly push abstinence-only sex ed could be capable of something like this.

Heh. Shannon had to write a satirical piece for English class last week. Her topic was the Supreme Court Dinosaurs.